Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Ranting of, " I don't wanna........" abruptly humbled.

I woke up at 5am hit the snooze, 20more mins. Hit the snooze again, 20 more mins, etc... Several weeks ago I started a post titled " I don't wanna...." , never even typed a word. Well this is how I was feeling, " I don't wanna..... get up, let alone freakin' exercise before going to work for 10hrs.

Now, I had got up promptly at 5am; I could of exercised, showered, actually put make up on at home( not while driving or at work) had family prayer, fed the two youngest and got them ready for the day, gave everyone hugs and kisses, packed my lunch, lovingly spent time with the two little ones before dropping them off at neighbors and daycare. Then I would of been at work 10mins early so I that I don't jeopardise my job. That is how I imagine it would of happened. There would of been a few moments of grumbling and whining; but I had exercised, I was ready for anything.

Didn't happen that way. Back to the ticking, or what ever my digital alarm clock does, hit the snooze but only at 10min intervals this time. " I don't wanna..... but you gotta goes through my mind". I drag, roll, flop whatever, out of bed it is only 6:30am . I have time to squeeze in a exercise video if everything goes smoothly, after all I don't have to be to work until 830am. It worked out in the in outermost part of my brain, unfortunately I tend to function from there a lot.

Exercise clothes on, wake up Tommy tell him to shower, put salmon in frying pan on low, then start warm up routine. Going okay so far. Some where in the inner depths of my mind I keep saying,"You should just get the little ones up, get them ready you don't have time to exercise. What the hell are you thinking?"I ignore the those deep thoughts as usual. I am selfish, I have been for a long time. Selfish about my sleep, that is deprived, and about exercising. "Continue forward",, from the out skirts of my mind. So what do I do? Warm up done, quickly put Milo and Lily in the tub, and begin workout routine. My oldest walks through the room I breathlessly wish him a good day at school, I love you. I then tell Tommy he'll have to walk to school and that I love him. Starting to feel the stress; no, not from the exercises, from NOT GETTING OUT OF BED AT 5 AM. Oh well ,got finish what I started, can you say OCD. When I go swimming it drives me crazy if I can't fit in all my laps.

Half way through workout get Lily out of the tub and dressed, tell Milo that when the tub drains he has to get out and get dressed, quickly of course . Workout done Milo still in the tub. Make him get out, and tell him that he had better be dressed by the time I am out of the shower, because we are late. Now any parent knows that when you try to rush a child it does not go smoothly. Out of the shower, he is still naked sitting on the stairs complaining about being cold, "Duh get dressed we got to hurry!"

" What were you thinking?", again from the depths of my mind. I don't know. I don't think my time senses are tingling. Finish packing my lunch, get everyone their bags and such and out the door. This is when I start feeling like a crappy, selfish mother. I should of nurtured and lovely got the kids ready. I didn't swear or anything like that. It was just rush, rush, rush, rush.

Milo doesn't get in the van Lily follows in suit. "Come on WE are late, I don't want to lose my job." Who am I kiddin', I am the late one. Finally in the van and around the corner to drop off Milo at the neighbors, then onward for hopefully quick stop at the daycare for Lily.

Whip into the daycare. Lovingly greeted by the owner, a dear friend, who asks, "How are you?"
"Uh.. late. Would you mind taking Lily back to her class. Oh.. and how are you?"

Silence, my heart sunk. Her husband had been diagnosed with cancer about 2 yrs prior. I could see it in her eyes. "Not so good. Come on Lily give me my hug", she says. Mommy's late (again).

Screeching stop.

As she starts to take Lily from my arms for her hug, I decided I'd better hug her too. As we hug, she says," I am okay, you'd better go. Your late." Duh. I couldn't let go. "What's wrong?" I squeeze her tighter. "They, the doctors, only give him 2 to 3 months to live".

What do you say? I've lost a father to cancer, even had a full term stillbirth baby. I still don't know what to say.

"I Love You!" Guiltily turn Lily over to her and rush out the door.

Pardon the expression, but I felt like an ass!

Here I was all worried about me, me, me. Apparently I wasn't worried about me enough to get out of bed and stop playing the snooze game. Rush, rush, rush. Hurry, hurry , hurry. Seems like all I do.

Had I gotten out of bed I could have exercised, peaceably. Nurtured and loved my little ones. Most of all, been able to give a shoulder to cry on.

Again, my lamp ( mentioned in a previous post) was empty. I suddenly felt that over whelming guilt of failure, to myself, my children, and those truly suffering more than I.

As I drove to work, quickly. I wished I could of had a redo.

The lost connection between my selfish outer thoughts and the solid inner thoughts need some real help. What am I to do? It is blatantly obvious; get the freak out of bed earlier or DO NOT choose to exercise. My choices do affect those around me, they affect my whole day. I felt off.

Most assuredly, the exercising that I did that morning wasn't beneficial. It was stressed, rushed and broken up. Which left me unable to uplift those in need. My mind and my heart were abruptly humbled.

My habits are hard ones to break, at least for me. I want to exercise every day, and also fix everyones problems, hurts....etc. I cannot change over night. But I have been told, "Try little harder, do a little better."

I want to do exactly that.

It is not easy. I am going to try to stop saying, " I don't wanna...."

We all have our own, I don't wanna'

I say get off your @#$ and do it anyway. You'll feel better and so will those around you.

I am grateful and comforted that the Lord will help me, and those who are in need when I drop the ball.


Librafury said...

From one working mom to another, can I just say, "I DON'T WANNA... EITHER!!!" At least you're doing far better than I am. I can barely drag myself out of bed in time to get the kids ready and make it to work a half an hour late, with no exercise and no make-up at all. Turn off that guilt button. You're a great mom, a great wife and a great friend.

Boy Mom said...

You're always their for me when I need you!

Anonymous said...

BUT, you MUST take time to refill YOUR cup. Sounds like it is nearly empty---then what?

Don't beat yourself up. You are doing all you can do, and it's more than I can imagine my own self doing in your circumstances. Love yourself. It's okay to do that so you can love others. Don't run dry. You are an excellent mom!